Singles' Commitmentphobia: The best thing you can do is go your own way. If the non-committer feels a genuine sense of loss, he/she may feel differently about change. If not, no amount of pushing, prodding, or pleading will help.

"Commitmentphobia is the problem, not the desire for closeness. Don't blame yourself when your affections push him/her away. Rather, recognize that you are with a commitmentphobe, and back off yourself--way off."

9. Non-Committer, Confusion, and Conflict
By Jan Wilson
with contributions by the SOLO staff and SOLO readers.

Susan Page describes Andrea and Robbie who live together. Andrea wants marriage; Robbie does not.

Andrea feels that Robbie is too special a guy to leave.

Robbie  contends he is staying with Andrea because he  wants  to, not because he has taken a vow of marriage and has to remain.

Page says Andrea has to face the fact that Robbie has a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. He is getting to be with Andrea and keep his options open.

Why should he marry?

Andrea  is in a "double bind." If she doesn't bring up her problem, it remains. If she does bring it up, Robbie feels pressured to commit and the problem gets worse.

Andrea has to decide if she wants to continue to live in this ambivalent situation or move on...

Page offers this advice, "If you are in love with someone who is afraid of commitment, he or she might try to persuade you that you are neurotic, that you are too needy and you demand too much.

"Don't fall for it. The desire to be in a committed, intimate relationship is healthy and natural.

"Commitmentphobia is the problem, not the desire for closeness. Don't blame yourself when your affections push him/her away. Rather, recognize that you are with a commitmentphobe, and back off yourself--way off."

SOLO for Singles: Readers' Comments

Thanks for this excellent series on noncommitters. The girl I'm dating now did EXACTLY this. She was hot, heavy, vulnerable, emotionally expressive, claiming she was seeking a committed relationship, telling me how special I was and how much better I've treated her than all the ""losers"" she's ever dated. She was the one who said ""I love you"" on our third date, told me she wanted to be with me forever by our fifth date. Then suddenly she said that *I* was smothering her and she needed to ""slow down."" So far the slow down has been that she is cold and distant to me in person, but she continues to call me almost every day and wants to keep dating me.

I've been really confused about what to do. I felt I should dump her, but her sob stories about being hurt before and scared to ""rush into things"" have made me feel guilty, like I'm being selfish for not being patient and letting her back way off. Also, she suckered me with a sob story about if I really cared about her I'd be patient and wait forever for her. Well, it hurts too much dating someone I love who claimed to love me but now shows no emotion for me at all. Reading this article convinced me that I am dating a noncommitter and that I can't fall for her ""poor me"" and ""I need space"" routines anymore. I'm convinced now that I have to get out of this relationship--quickly!

Thanks for the help. I hope everyone who reads this article and has experienced something similar will heed the advice here. The person you fell in love with at the start of the relationship is an illusion. The noncommitter will continue to hurt you, drain you emotionally, and won't care what kind of damage is being done to you. I've only been with mine for two months. I can't imagine how painful it would be to stay with one for a year or more."

BJ

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